So here is somewhat an eclectic post for y’all:
I have stopped caring if people call my baby by his name before he is born. The reason I was superstitious was based around something terrible happening to Emerson before he got here. Well not saying his name had nothing to do with developing HLHS, so that superstition has just been proved ridiculous. Matt and I call him by his name a lot now. I think he likes it.
I am frustrated right now about gathering information on him and his life. Every time I voice an seemingly negative opinion, people just tell me to think positively. I do think positively, but I have a hard time thinking positively without knowing all the possible scenarios. I am a social worker and we work from a base of strength. We are trained to look at any situation and find the good parts of it and how there is strength in every situation. Thinking positively is my job. Not knowing all the information, not being able to vocalize my feelings, and not working through scenarios actually takes away from my strengths. I know what my strengths are and being prepared and planning for all situations are them. In fact, I have been having nightmares about worst case scenarios since I have not felt like I can vocalize them. Do you know what it feels like to miscarry in a dream and wake up from that? It sucks. So Matt and I are going to work on it more. I just feel terrible dumping on my crazy thoughts on him.
Which leads me to my next rant: I think I need to get more involved with support groups for heart mamas. There are a lot of online resources, but I think some sort of in person group would be really good for me. I love the human connection and physical contact of in person. Even if I don’t find a group, I think I should see a therapist. As an almost therapist, it would be weird for me to advocate for therapy and then not take care of myself.
I haven’t bragged about my husband for awhile, which is TERRIBLE! He is so amazing. I don’t know if people know this, but they should. He is working so hard at everything he does. He found a job at a new restaurant in our neighborhood called the BopNGrill. He will get between 30 and 40 hours a week. He is a cook which I think is fabulous. He has his first shift tomorrow. This first week he will work 4 hour shifts, because he is finishing up his time at Phonathon. I think that’s amazing. He got a full-time job, but instead of bailing on Phonathon he is staying until the end, through his commitment. I know a lot of people who would just quit their first job for their second job (especially if their second job offers more hours). Matt is not like that. If he says he will do something, he will do it. He is committed. I don’t know how I got such a great man.
Not only is he working amazingly well at two crap jobs, but he has continued sports writing in his free time and expanded his roll at Bleacher Report. He is working on a book (setting up some interviews and researching right now), trying to get an article published in a sports magazine with the help of a professor, and starting one or two blogs devoted to baseball. He is so amazing and I love him so much. I just want his dreams to come true.
My nail polish addiction has subsided somewhat. I think I have about 50 different colors, so it was time to cut myself off. I still am changing my nail colors on an every other day basis. It is a problem.
Finally, I am just trying to discern so much around Emerson’s life. I do not know how you know what is best for your child and how you make those decisions. How do you decide what is more important in his life when he isn’t even here and you don’t have enough information? I just need to not pressure myself while I research what is out there and consult with people smarter and more informed and better than myself.