It is hard for me not to post on Emerson’s blog about how I am doing. But the whole purpose of that blog is to keep people updated with the facts as we find them out. And in a lot of ways it is very cathartic for me to just update about the facts. I am good at facts, especially in a stressful situation. And, usually, I am good about updating people and keeping everyone informed in stressful situations. Not as much this time, but since the situation revolves around my son I feel there is a certain amount of leniency in updates and communication (hence I haven’t answered texts for the last week).
Anyway, point is, Emerson’s blog is for Emerson. This blog is for me. It has been a crazy 6 days. I think I understand what “emotional roller coaster” means. It is amazing how the body reacts to situations. I spent the first three days riding on adrenaline, then day four (surgery day) I was tired and exhausted, I slept most of day five, and on day six I feel pretty normal. It is weird to feel normal. In five days I forgot what normal felt like.
I am amazed by what I find joy in. Tonight I got to put socks on Emerson’s feet for the first time. I kissed him for the first time after he was born but did not get to kiss him again until the day of surgery (now I can’t kiss him enough, but try to restrain myself a little). I changed his first diaper on day 3 and took his temperature on day 2 (have not changed a diaper since, he has a catheter in). I read him his first story tonight (he slept through it). And I held his hand on day one and every day since. He is my little miracle and every second I have with him is such a gift from God. I cannot get enough of him (his nurse scolded me today for disturbing his nap). And with every breath I thank God for bringing him to me and giving me the chance to love him.
Our journey has just begun and every day Matt and I find something more the be grateful for. I am so glad we chose to move back to MN for Emerson. I cannot imagine going through this alone. I feel terrible that I could not host a proper baptism for my son, but I am so humbled that my sisters would pull together and make it happen. Emerson had a cake and party (even if he couldn’t attend). Our parents have been an amazing support. I cannot even articulate how much more difficult everything would be without them. The sheer number of people praying for my son is overwhelming and, again, humbling.
Through everything God’s grace and love has been prominent and present. Today I met some fellow heart moms and I am so grateful for the people who have gone before us. Not only the mother’s I met today but the women I have met along the way. I do not think I would be nearly prepared or confident if it wasn’t for Cynthia Hogenson, a friend of my cousin who has been helping me and supporting me throughout this journey. I have wonderful friends who have dropped everything for me when I need them (and, Lindsey Jawish, driven hours just to see me).
And there is so much people are doing for me that I cannot explain or point to; things I do not know about and may never find out about. I went home today for some clean clothes and saw my dog for the first time in 6 days. I feel like a terrible pet owner for leaving him alone that long, but it would not even be possible without my family. My younger siblings take him outside when he lets them, the feed him, and play with him. It is one less thing to worry about while we are here.
Again, feel like I am living an emotional roller coaster right now. There are so many ups and downs, and I constantly find myself holding my breath, afraid to relax. We are taking every day, every minute really, one at a time. Every second I have with my son is so beautiful and amazing. I love him so much….words are really not enough