Emerson is home once again from the hospital. Hopefully he’ll stay home longer this time. We aren’t due back until April 9th and I hope we can stay away that long. I joke a lot about Emerson allowing me to slack as a mother, but a lot of that is a defense mechanism. It makes me sad that he spends so much time in the hospital. I wish I had to get up at night to feed him. I wish that our biggest concern was teething. But it’s not.
In fact, right now my biggest concern is his next open heart surgery which is coming up quickly. Every time I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach. I am so scared even though I know it is a step forward. Right now, he looks so good. He looks so healthy. How could he possibly need another surgery?
So I am choosing not to think about it. Not in a denial sort of way, but in a “hey, it’s going to happen, you can’t stop that from happening, but you have until early April before it is scheduled, you are clearly well prepared and know what is going to happen, so take a break and enjoy your child” And I think that’s a good plan.
It is interesting to me how I have changed since having Emerson. Life is hard. No matter what life you are given. I feel so blessed to have Emerson, because now my life isn’t hard. I have this great frame of reference for understanding what is truly difficult. Yeah, I am still going to get stressed about thing, but Emerson lets me enjoy life more. “Oh no, we don’t have any gas.” “well, at least I don’t need open heart surgery.” See, perspective.
Now obviously, I will judge people harder when they complain about a bad hair day, or their clothes not being perfect, or a guy not calling them back, but this does not come a righteous, justified place. No, I fully recognize the self-righteousness of my increased intolerance of other people’s [petty] problems, and I promise to continue working on that. Because guess what, life is hard. No matter who you are. No matter how much or little money you have. And if that guy didn’t call the next morning, it does suck. I just like, for myself, having Emerson right there to constantly remind me that my life is incredibly blessed. And he does that just by existing. In fact, even without a heart defect, with my husband and son I have very little to complain about life. It is not fair all the time and I am not “living the dream” whatever that means, but I am living my dream (hells yeah I dreamed about living in my parents’ basement…actually I did, i would love to just buy a huge house for all my family to live in forever, like the Waltons).
And the weather is beautiful which is icing on the cake. Spring gives me that extra boost of energy and i love love love it! The end.