Two Months

Two months. It has been two months since my Emerson was here with me.

I am so tired. All the time. Just tired.

I’ve been back to work for a month. It’s exhausting.

I got a tattoo on my right wrist of Emerson’s heartbeat.

I stopped my anxiety medication. It was just too much.

I take my PRN sleeping medication daily or I don’t sleep.

I still have not scheduled therapy but I know I should.

I am not healthy in my emotions.

I need to be for my children.

Sometimes I yell for no reason at my family.

Sometimes I leave the house

Sometimes I can’t breathe when I put Sorkin to bed.

I cry a lot. For every reason.

I feel manic.

I feel depressed.

I feel out of control.

Lincoln got two teeth in this last month.

He has started crawling.

He looks like his big brother Emerson

He acts like him too.

But he doesn’t remember Emerson.

Sorkin started, then stopped, then started having nightmares.

He still cannot sleep in his room.

He misses Emerson but just doesn’t understand the pain.

My husband has been home for the last two months.

He starts his new (old) job next week.

He’s tired too.

He feels the pain too.

We have good days together.

We share a lot with each other.

We have bad days together.

Sometimes we can’t help each other

Our relationship is changing.

We designed a shirt in honor of Emerson.

We hold onto what’s left of our family.

I am just so tired.

 

Emerson, what I wouldn’t give for you to come back. One more of anything wouldn’t be enough my Baby. I want you back forever. I miss you so much Emerson. My arms hurt from the emptiness which is the absence of your weight. I didn’t know missing you could be so heavy on my body. I love you Emerson.

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A week of monumental moments

Last week was a difficult week… for so many reasons.

I went back to work for the first time since Emerson was hospitalized. It was overwhelming. I felt like I was moving through molasses the entire week and I am not sure if I am quite up to speed or if/when I will get up to speed. I am so thankful for my employer and co-workers. Without any demands, Pinnacle let me drop work to spend the last week of Emerson’s life in the hospital full time and then allowed me to take a full month off. I am so grateful to the company I work for. They have supported me through the happiest (birth of two of my sons) and saddest (deaths of my sister and son) times of my life. Truly supported me. My co-workers took such good care of me. I know they all wanted to ask me how I was doing but I am grateful all 60+ of them did not. I did feel well taken care of by everyone and I know everyone was thinking about me. So thank you for making my week back as good as could be. I am proud to say I only had to leave the office once for a serious cry in the car; I did leak a few times in the office and cried my way home once or twice.

I also had my birthday this week. My second birthday since Anna died and my first since Emerson died. It sucked. last year it sucked too. Again, marking of time separating me from my family. Although my cousin Heather’s perspective has helped me a lot: each day takes me away from my time here on earth with my son and sister but takes me a day closer to eternity with them. It was a quiet day. A Wednesday. Thank you so much to everyone for reaching out to me and saying Happy Birthday. I am sorry that I just can’t respond to each person individually. I just can’t. I again am so thankful for my co-workers. My Captain squad took me out for lunch which was amazing and so helpful for me. That night we took the boys to watch my brother’s first baseball game and then mom and dad had some of my siblings over for a birthday cake. It was very nice to be around family. There was the huge gaping whole of missing Emerson but I just don’t know that anything would have helped that.

Another milestone missed this week was Emerson’s IEP meeting. We had scheduled it in March to ensure it was on the calendar. Matt and I had already begun working on our goals for Emerson and trying to ensure the best possible plan for him. I came back to work on Monday and the first thing I saw was this meeting scheduled for Friday. Emerson’s IEP meetings were not “fun” but they were such a huge part of bench marking his progress and setting goals for him. I loved setting goals and then watching him achieve and exceed them. I was so proud of Emerson. This was the day I cried at work and on the way home. and then at night after the boys went to bed.

Finally Sunday was mother’s day. My first mother’s day without Emerson the first child to make me a mom. It was a really difficult hard day. Sorkin picked out his mother’s day gift for me: it was a gold necklace with three little turtles on it. One for each of the brothers he said. We started the day at mass. Then headed over to the cemetery. There were a lot of people there and I couldn’t help but think of the difference between me and them: I was there to spend time at my son’s grave and they were probably there to visit their mothers’ graves. This is the natural order: children are supposed to live pass their parents. We had brunch then came home and I basically slept the rest of the afternoon. We ended up at my parent’s house in the evening for dinner. The entire day was just about the absence of Emerson for me. Our family has not been complete since Emerson died and days celebrating family are really unbearable at this point.

A lot of tears were shed this week. A lot. I cried. Matt cried. Sorkin cried. I am sure many of our siblings cried for missing Emerson and I know our parents also shed tears for Emerson. I know that none of these events were going to be easy, but having them all in one week was unplanned, unexpected, and unwanted.

There are more milestones coming up this month (appointments we had scheduled, buying a headstone for his grave, etc.) and more the month after and the month after and the month after. A whole life of milestones and I can’t stop them. I continue to pray for God’s grace and I continue to hope that I will make it through each day.

Before I saw him, I loved him. Before I met him, I knew him. Before I held him, I wanted him. For the rest of my life, I will miss him.

Thank you for making me a mommy Emerson. I love you.

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